trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
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MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Selfie
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
When you can’t find your friend Neil
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.