The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
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Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
A ghost story
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
selfie game
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”