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Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
S M O L
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?