*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
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I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not