I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
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Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.