The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
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[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I cannot stop laughing at this
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.