I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
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I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I laughed at this way too hard.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
lol
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
every single time
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy