TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
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“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Your secret is safeish with me
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”