I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
You Might Also Like
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
He just like my cat fr
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.