i will avenge u mr van gogh
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If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
it was love at first sight
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Just a friendly reminder!
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I’m too immature for adultery.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.