You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
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If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
How is it still this week?
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store