Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
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I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
My blood type is coffee.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I was just discussing this with my cat
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod