I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
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10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”