I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
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Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”