Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that