911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Nothing.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.