You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
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Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.