Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
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Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.