HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
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One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I told my vodka about you.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.