My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
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channeling her this year
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]