A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
You Might Also Like
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.