COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
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[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
WHY?!
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.