It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
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Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️