haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
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and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
As the Lord intended
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*