Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
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As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.