A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
You Might Also Like
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.