Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
excuse me
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.