If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
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Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
when you order from DoorDastardly
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.