I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
You Might Also Like
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill