Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
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Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
SPLOOT
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.