There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
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I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.