Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
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me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I bet