FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
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Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My plans: 2020:
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…