If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
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Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We鈥檙e gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I鈥檝e been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I鈥檓 grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I don鈥檛 want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don鈥檛 fit us anymore.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i鈥檝e never drunk anything else
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”