Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
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My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
idk what he going thru but i feel him
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.