Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
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Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.