Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
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ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly