Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
You Might Also Like
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.