Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
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When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Life cycle of cat
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.