I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
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8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Social distancing in Australia:
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Sign at work today
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.