yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
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No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate