If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
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What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING