[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
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Any refunds available?…
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Time heals everything 🙂
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom