I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
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If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
#winning
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”