DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
You Might Also Like
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
The Assassin.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started