Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
You Might Also Like
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
She puts the hot in psychotic
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.