Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
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I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.