Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
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Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
greetings!
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.