Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music