Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
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I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Dear Lord..
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.